WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
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Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar