Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
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I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
when someone rings the doorbell
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Challenge accepted.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.