It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
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“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
why would tinder want me to say this
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer