MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
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so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
can you read it!!??
maan!
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?