Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
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Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.