Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
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Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]