The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
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vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie