Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
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How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.