My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
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I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
How it started: How it’s going:
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Netflix and scream at our children?!