Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
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Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Check your privilege
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.