Me too, bag. Me too….
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Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
also my go-to takeaway order
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown