Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
❤️🦆
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I only treason on days ending in y
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”