Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
You Might Also Like
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩