amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
You Might Also Like
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.