Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
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I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.