WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
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*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I know
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
pat pat
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
B
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day