My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
You Might Also Like
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!