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[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Today’s homeschooling Google searches: