Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
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If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.