I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
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[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
lol
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Thanks to a fan for this one!