One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
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*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
They’re really bad with fonts.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
HELP 😭
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving