“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
You Might Also Like
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Battery falling down a hole
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
A game married people play.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.