ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
You Might Also Like
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
me hooking up with my ex
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?