Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My background check bounced.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala