Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
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my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Called it
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.