My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
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New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.