7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
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On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
RT if you could go either way.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm