No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
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cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Autocarrot sucks!