1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
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I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.