Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
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Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.