It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
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Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Seek kebab; not attention
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener