How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
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Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Yep.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…