It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
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Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
A drum solo but on your face.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I have never related to a cat more
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.