Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
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My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.