Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
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So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht