Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
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How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…