Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Help Wanted
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.