[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
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We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Taliband
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.