A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
You Might Also Like
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names