Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
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[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.