an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days