God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
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Chemical wingman
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.