Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
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It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.