Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
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with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
jesus christ confetti not now
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.