Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
and now we wait
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear