Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
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Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
The news in a nutshell.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Time for evil
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”