Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
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I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
My circle of trust is a meatball
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
The answer is funnier than the question
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.