My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
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If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*