Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
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even bears disappoint their mothers
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”