Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.